Not Attaching Shit Adequately

The launch of the space shuttle 'Discovery', which had been postponed due to shit falling off, took place yesterday morning. Shit fell off.

NASA scientist Lou Sbolts stated that he was confident the shuttle would have a successful flight, but added: "I knew we should have just gone with the brand name duct tape."

I'm rich

I got a raise.

A huge raise.

In fact, the hospital doubled my pay.

The wrong way to attack the problem

One thing I really hate about television is that it's a unidirectional form of communication, which leaves the audience with no way of providing feedback. I saw a really funny comedian tonight, but he'll never know how hard he had me laughing. I don't remember his name, but he was wearing camouflage - I think it was on "World News Tonight". Anyway, he told this joke about how Americans should be concerned that terrorists have easy access to electronics which they can use to detonate bombs. I bet it takes years of training to be able to say something that absurd with a straight face.

Although this man was surely joking he did, in fact, give me a brilliant idea. You see, thousands of Americans die every year in automobile accidents. These deaths could easily be prevented if we simply suck up all of Earth's atmosphere and expel it so far into outer space that it can't come back. Without oxygen engines won't run, people won't be able drive so fast, and deaths from automobile accidents will all but disappear. Great idea, right?

You'd think, based on the way the camouflaged man was talking, that terrorists depend on complex electronics like long-range radios and cellular phones to detonate bombs. I looked into the matter, and after several months of intense research, I was able to come up with the following circuit diagram, which illustrates the design of a typical bomb detonator:

A voltage source and a switch. It's like electronics for chimpanzees. The voltage needn't be unusually high either, since the primary charge is typically something sensitive. Now consider the fact that a button, switch, transistor - just about anything electronic which operates with two or more states - could theoretically be used to detonate a bomb.

Do you get the joke yet?

Of ethereal cars and imaginary numbers

Today I had the pleasure of meeting one of the friendly sales representatives at my local Nissan dealership. He was smooth and charismatic like a serial rapist. He approached me and tried to sell me a Maxima that I wasn't the slightest bit interested in. After I told him it cost too much for me, he told me that I should want to buy it because it cost only a little more than this Sentra they were selling, but it had so many more features. When I asked to see the Sentra, he assured me that it was somewhere on the lot and that he had forgotten where but could look it up. So, he led me inside where he proceeded to waste my time while not showing me the Sentra.

Most people would probably be a bit skeptical at this point, but I knew this guy had my best interests at heart. He couldn't have been interested in my money, because he told me sometimes he doesn't even like to think about numbers. Yeah. Me neither. 5,000... 500,000... What's the difference? Most numbers look pretty much the same when you compare them to the mass of the sun anyway.

I finally ended up leaving after the guy walked outside, lifted up the Maxima, and began cramming it down my throat. But to his credit, he may not have been lying about the other car. It was hot outside so the car could have evaporated while we were waiting for him to look up where it was. Or maybe it was on the lot but just not somewhere he could show me - such as in a section of the warped reality inside his head.