Beg. Now roll over. Good consumer.

To: Quiznos marketing
From: Dr. Herbert Jones
Email: hjones@mytrashmail.com
Phone: 013-476-7910
Address:
216 Baltic Ave
Park Place, CA 90210

I was at one of your fine dining establishments when I noticed a sign that said "You've been good... Have a cookie." I think you could probably sell even more cookies using the same marketing strategy if you put up a sign next to it that says something like "Fetch this frisbee and we'll give you a discount!" Maybe you could also train the cashiers to stop saying "Thank you, sir" and say "Good dog" instead.

You get paid what you're worth.

"Laboratory Medicine Programming Intern". Yeah, that's right. I'm pretty sure that title is just a step below "King of the World". Either that or it's a special name for the guy they send to pick up lunch. More likely the latter. I guess I'll have to change it to "Laboratory Medicine Programming Supervisor" or "Supreme Dictator of Laboratory Medicine Programming" so I can fool people into thinking that I am powerful and do important work and know how to turn a computer on.

Speaking of work, I start tomorrow which means I will hopefully be rid of that 'If the world was a car, I'd be the valve cap on the spare tire' feeling.

Speaking of cars, Kate may actually be buying a Saab 93 that I found for her on the internet. I told her to be careful, because with my luck the wheels will fall off ten seconds after she buys it and she'll yell at me (something I've never actually heard her do).

Speaking of Kate, she's awesome.

Speaking of speaking, I speak to Kate on the phone every day. She's going to have environmentalists petitioning outside her door because of all the trees that need to be cut down to print her phone bill. I think I could make it less expensive for her by getting a cell phone, but I'm still trying to calculate whether the $0.00/hr I will be getting at my job will give me enough money to pay for it.

Current Mood: grateful

Resident Evil 4 in a nutshell

My brother's wonderful accomplishment for the day is playing Resident Evil 4 for ten hours straight. For those who have never played any of the series, Resident Evil games are typically composed of the following elements:
1) Guns.
2) Zombies that sound like cows .
3) Puzzles that were not but certainly could have been designed by a kindergartner.
4) Nonsensical plot twists.

The fourth game in the series, however, is unique because instead of killing zombies, you are killing disgruntled Amish people (some of them carry chainsaws, which I'm guessing are powered by hamsters). As you progress through the game, you discover that an evil fiend has injected them all with some crap which is responsible for both their aggressive behavior and their extreme stupidity, causing them to do things such as throw dynamite at a wall that is two inches in front of them.

It's disappointing that there are so many Amish people and so few zombies, since Resident Evil games are typically swarming with zombies. In fact, the only zombie in the game is Rob Zombie, who you first meet near the beginning. Some other celebrities who make appearances in the game are: Wolverine, Napoleon Bonaparte, the Grim Reaper and several of his relatives, and the lead singer of Slipknot. The game also features a ninja who sells you things, although he doesn't sell you throwing stars. :(

The basic objective of this game is to assist some stereotypically weak, pathetic, helpless, and annoying female character in escaping from... somewhere. You (Leon) are fully responsible for killing anything which attacks because, even though you have about 9 guns, apparently little miss princess is too much of an airhead to figure out how to fire any of them. She remains armed with only her vocal chords, which she uses to deafen nearby enemies by emitting a high-pitched shriek whenever anything moves within a 300 foot radius of her.

This is really a tough game too. Even if you can deal with all the sets of teeth trying to bite you and all the sharp objects being thrown in your general direction, you are still likely to die from old age. Jay could have beaten the first Resident Evil three times in the amount of time he spent playing the fourth one today, and he neither started at the beginning nor got to the end.

Current Mood: accomplished

I'm useless. But that's nothing new.

It's official. I don't have a job with Harris Corp. Apparently some other RIT student got the job and I was number two on the list, which means either 'the list' had two people on it or the entries in 'the list' were ordered using fractional numbers between one and two.

When I wake up in the morning, I'm going to go to Yale New Haven Hospital so I can demonstrate my wonderful talents, including my amazing gift for failing at life in general. Perhaps they will decide that I have the potential to be worth the compensation they would give me if I worked there, which I'm pretty sure consists of 'free coffee'.

On the brighter side, my inbox, which usually contains exclusively garbage, actually had a few important things in it for once. My friend sent me this picture of the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen. I think I'm going to go look at it to cheer myself up.

Goodnight.

Current Mood: useless