Getting the most from a gallon of gas

Well, gas prices are higher than a hippie at a Phish concert and it looks like they're only going to go up. Americans everywhere are buying containers and stocking up so they'll be ready for the impending fuel shortage which is bound to occur because everyone's buying up all the damn gas. So, in case the idea of begging for money on a sidewalk doesn't appeal to you, here are some tips you can use to get optimal gas mileage from your car:

1. Run all red lights and stop signs. Your car needs to burn much more fuel to accelerate from a stop than it would need to keep going at the same speed through the intersection. Remember: red means stop... and when there's a national fuel shortage, it means stop using the brakes and stop giving other people the right of way.

2. Reduce the weight of the vehicle. Every ounce of material in your car is more work for the engine, and the engine gets its work done by burning gas. Simply remove everything from the car which is not absolutely required to get you from point A to point B: doors, lights, seats, mirrors, brakes (see 1.), mufflers, emissions-reduction equipment, empty beer cans, dead prostitutes, etc.

3. Drive downhill. Only.

...If you were looking for sane tips like "Don't drive places you don't need to" then I'm sorry, but you came to the wrong place.

Another Laborless Day

"Labor Day, the first Monday in September, is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country."
-- U.S. Department of Labor

"Labor Day is when the woman has the baby."
--deathjestr

For those of you who woke up this morning with the intention of getting something accomplished, you may as well just go back to sleep. Why? Because today is Labor Day, the annual celebration of the achievements of American workers, which American workers celebrate by not achieving anything.

You might think I'd be enjoying this holiday, since I am a world-renowned expert on not achieving anything. On the contrary, I am quite disappointed that the opportunity to spend the day giving my resume to every company in town has been stolen from me. I'm sure many human resource managers are similarly disappointed that the opportunity to laugh at my qualifications until they pee themselves has been stolen from them.

It's a shame that I have nothing better to do right now than write in some crappy blog that is read exclusively by Google's webcrawlers, but I guess doing nothing is what Labor Day is all about.