Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!

Christmas is finally upon us. The air is filled with anticipation, holiday cheer, and electromagnetic waves which strike the television antenna on top of my house and manifest themselves as all-too-familiar commercials for Chia pets. I say 'all-too-familiar' because I think they've been running the same 30-second ad since somewhere near the beginning of the paleolithic era, when Chia pets were first popularized by a tribe of brainless sasquatches. I think someone needs to ch-ch-ch-change their jingle already or I'm going to ch-ch-ch-change the ch-ch-ch-channel.

Spread the seeds!
Water it!
...and watch it grow!

Holy shit! You can watch it grow! Then when you're done, you can watch your arm hair grow! And then you can watch me grow sick at the thought that people really buy these things.

Maybe I'm not watching enough television, but I swear these abominable ads only appear around Christmas time. This suggests that no sane person ever buys a Chia pet without the intention of giving it as a gift. But if no one wants a Chia pet for themselves, is it really a good idea to give one as a gift?

No. Not unless you're buying it for a sasquatch.